My younger sister got married a few weeks ago. She’s the lucky one who’s been saddled with the burden of being my last surviving sibling. The only task I’ve given her is to stay alive. Really, that’s all I need from her. I can’t handle the thought of being the last one standing. Being responsible for dancing around the memories of three lost? That would surely be my undoing.
At least that the story I would have told myself last year.
Since I now understand that circumstances and events don’t change anything, there’s only room for love and appreciation and joy.
The honor I was given was to create the bridal bouquets. Such a gift to me! I was a floral designer before my children appeared and I LOVE her choices of roses and sunflowers. The challenge was making it extra special.
I would be part of the procession as her bridesmaid. Because they’re always with us, I knew our brother and sister would be there, too. (I don’t care if that sounds woo-woo; I know what I know and I feel what I feel. We’re never left alone.) That wasn’t enough, though- I wanted them to walk with us; I wanted to see them and I knew exactly what to do. I quickly scanned my mother’s pile of black and whites and sent my husband off to the photo lab. A picture of two shining faces, kids dressed in finery and wrapped around a bridal bouquet rose would do the trick.
And I wasn’t sad.
There was no projection of how things should be.
It was how it was. And it was wonderful. It was fun to sift through the mountain of old photos to find just the right one. As my mother sighed, all the memories…, I drank in the light in their eyes and the delight in their smiles. They were wonderful children- such a blessing.
Presenting the bouquet to my sister, everyone cried around me. My daughter joked that I have a heart of stone, but this was no joke:
I felt so strong and rooted in my own center that there was no room for tears.
During the ceremony I tried to check in with my older siblings, but I didn’t feel their energy as I usually do. I didn’t need to, I told myself, surprised at my conviction. Looking to my left, I saw my sister smiling at me though petals of roses and sunflowers, unwavering and direct, smiling at me still.
I suppressed a laugh and felt it bounce around all throughout my body.
There’s no room for tears. Not anymore.
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