I shouldn’t have paid for it and brought it home. I was only in the store to look for kid’s formal jewelry because all the other stores only had cheap items plastered with commercial characters. Unsuitable for this occasion.
The sparkles from the glittering cases pulled me closer and I felt compelled to touch, to feel the heft of silver and platinum, to turn the gems to catch the light. And of course, I shrugged the sales person away- Oh, no, no. Just looking. (Have you seen these prices?!) But I did need something for myself and it wouldn’t hurt to just try it on for fun, to get an idea of what might work with my dress.
The crystals embraced my neck like they’d come home. Comfortably and unbashedly slipping into where they belong, as if they’d been away for too long and had missed this place. The silver was delicate yet anchored by these strong, clear Swarovskis. Perfectly balanced as if was part of the mold from which I was made. Light bounced around my skin and I felt luminous. How could I let them go back? They were beautiful. I was beautiful. Together? Checkmate. Match. Love.
But. The calculations informed me I could buy several bags of groceries. A plane ticket! A city hotel in our next vacation. A downpayment on a Vitamix. Horseback lessons for the kids. A month of dance lessons. Running shoes for Marc. This and that. And that. Or that. I don’t buy things often but that wasn’t a good enough reason to splurge on myself. The guilt, anxiety, the shame of wanting something special built inside and grew until I was paralyzed.
The skillful sales person decided for me. Yes, I can bring it back if I change my mind.
And I did the next time I paid our bills just a couple of weeks later. Still in the black box, receipt in my email inbox. We just couldn’t afford it.
Until I had a day of headaches and bad energy and that caused me to spiral down into sorrow and the You don’t love me and I’ll never be enough. Then I remembered that one thing I had done for myself a few weeks ago. That day when I had felt like enough and so strong and vital that I could light the world just by walking in it. I opened the box and lifted the necklace toward the window, choosing to fill myself with something that was simply beautiful. Nothing more and certainly nothing less. It felt so good. Putting a value on happiness and satisfaction cannot be done. To surround myself with that which feeds my spirit, brightens my senses, alerts me to how special my experience in this world is- well, that’s just precious. How can we afford not to?
What do you enjoy? What makes you feel special? What would make you smile? Without guilt, invite it in to play.
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