Still shaking the sleep from my head, I wandered downstairs in search of tea and solitude. Just one start without the obligation and neediness and desire and questions and please can we and what are the plans? My choices and I wouldn’t choose differently and yet it can be all too much sometimes. Being “on” 24/7. The referee, the counselor, the nurse, the social organizer, the chef, the chauffeur, the confidante, the mentor, the wiper-of-tears, the wife, the mother. The one who holds it all together.
Who holds me together? I crave solitude and quiet space and a clear schedule. For a moment I’d like to not repeat myself. Or hear that story again. Or look. I’m already looking! I enjoy being alone. Alone is what I am in search of this morning, every morning, elusive as it remains. And yet I know what always waits for me. Beginning before my eyes blink open as the cat pounces for attention, the dog clamors, sensing the activity. The guinea pigs begin to squeak for another round of hay.
Then there was this dawn when I stumbled silently down, hoping to sneak by the dog. Nope, she rolled onto her back and eyed me excitedly, anticipating the belly rub with which I would greet her. Mid-sigh, mid-stride the message changed my course: she is waiting for me. She’s so happy that I’m here! Of course.
Everything is waiting just for me!
And all the overwhelming senses of responsibility and frustration and why can’t I just for one moment melted into the floor. It slid from my toes as I crossed the room and fell from my fingertips as I stroked our sweet pet. I felt so much gratitude for my ability to keep her warm and fed and for the affection she couldn’t hold back.
So much time is spent chasing. The happiness. The words. The perspective. The meaning. The attention.
It’s not to be found in the pursuit because it exists in the present.
Stop the running. The planning. The searching. The dreaming. The whining.
Everything you have ever wanted you already have. Always have. Everyone wants a part of you because you have touched them. They feel loved by you and want to love you back. They feel inspired by you and want to know you. You take them on adventures and they want to have more with you. You listen, you hold, you nourish and they just want to nurture you, too. All the love you give comes back to you, if you’re willing, that is.
Maybe you’ve forgotten what that feels like. You’ve pushed it away for so long. Afraid. But it’s what you are meant to receive, this life that is meant to pour into you. You can stiff-arm it but it will keep coming back because love knows no other way. Label it overwhelm or responsibility and be washed away in frustration. Or accept it as an incredible opportunity to love or be loved and be awash in joy.
Your choice.
I choose opportunity.
And everyone is waiting just for me to show up and give my love, my attention, my time. To receive my love. And that is the most amazing gift of my life. How could I ever push that away? How could you?
The greatest dance of our lives is the offering and receiving of love. It doesn’t come via glass slippers and grand gestures and fancy occasions and lavish vacations. I find it in the untangling after a bath, the rush-hour traffic to the favorite dance class, in library loads heavier than the groceries. In the arms that wrap and legs that dangle from my lap, in my famous crepes and in the negotiation for the remote control. I find it the unrestrained giggles, silly jokes, trampoline butt-bounces, hula-hoop tricks, soccer games and sleep-overs. I find it in a home tended with willing hands, and eyes that see so they’ll always know, and in the silent, steady devotion of partnership and parenting.
The moment I let go of it’s all so much it became all so much happier, fuller, richer, lovelier.
Accept the invitation to live in abundance.
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