This is what she knows

You are the best mama in the whole entire world for me.

Oh, sweet baby girl if you only knew.

If you only knew how hard it was for me when it should have been so easy. I don’t want to admit how hard it was to hear you ask me to play when I was so tired. How much I wanted to sit on the floor with you and build tower after tower and yet how hard it was for me to sit still, keep my hands from fidgeting, to keep my mind from wandering.

To listen to you cry and not be able to fix it.

To watch you exhaust yourself with your big emotions and not understand what was happening.

To want to give you what you wanted and needed while struggling with my body and mind that couldn’t keep up.

To feel so frustrated and confused and overwhelmed.

To be so triggered by all of it that it took every bit of effort to control my anger.

To be so disappointed, ashamed and angry with myself when I couldn’t control it any longer and I yelled at you, scared you.

To know so much better and not be able to do better.

Until I did.

If I could I would go back in time and take it all away, not waste those moments with my sweet tiny girl. It all seems so ridiculous now, how I behaved with someone I loved more than anything. It’s embarrassing and I don’t want you to how hard it was for me. And yet, I know that you did because you were on the receiving end of my loud voice, my hands clenched in my hair.

You saw the worst of me and yet you are the best mama in the whole entire world for me.

You don’t know what that means. How hard I fought for you to know how precious and special you were, how I wanted to be the mama that worked with you and not against you. To truly understand you and have a relationship built on trust and openness. I never wanted you to hide yourself, especially from me. My frailties were mine, not yours and more than anything I had to own that. You depended on me. I gave it everything I had and more.

And you were so worth the effort. Every time I gave you my full attention for 5 minutes helped me give it for 6 minutes the next time, then 10, then 20. Every time I showed up, I was learning how to be what you needed.

Every time I was your safe place, your testing place, your understanding place, I became what you needed.

Every time I made you offer after offer after offer until we got it right, I became what you needed.

Every time I gave you space to grow, to know yourself, to settle into what felt good, I became what you needed.

Every time I waited, I watched, I listened, I invited stillness, I rocked with you, I held you so close, I became what you needed.

Every time I yelled less than I yelled the time before. Every time I walked away sooner. Every time I breathed sooner. Every time I let it go sooner. Every time I wrote it out and freed my thoughts sooner. Every time I stopped listening to the negative voices; told the fear it was wrong; did the work. Every time I trusted that warm feeling I had when I held you, despite the cold fear and the sharp exhaustion. Every time I tried again and wouldn’t accept my own mistakes as the best I could do. Every time.

Every time I looked into your eyes and saw the little person that you were. Every time I accepted you and held onto my love for you, I became the best mama in the whole entire world. For you.

And this is what you know.

And this is where we are. In this amazing place of togetherness and strength, patience and encouragement, enjoyment and maturity. I can’t remember what the hell I was so worried about and it all seems so far away. You explore the world unafraid and with vigor, kindness and tact. You don’t remember the yelling, me at my worst. All you feel is comfort and safety and rest knowing that I take full responsibility for the blessing that you are. That I hold you securely and gently in my honor and only want to protect the enthusiasm, joy and boundless spirit that is uniquely yours. We often tell you how much laughter, excitement and energy you bring to our lives and it’s wonderful.

I am no longer overwhelmed in upset but made breathless by the deep trust and confidence you have in me. There are no words to express the excellent care I want to give you, the deep abiding love I want you to feel, the unshakable belief I have in you. And yet you tell me you know every time you hug me. Every time.