Somewhere between my first heartbeat and my first breath everything changed.
I was born on the epiphany at the start of a new year, into a family grieving the sudden loss of their first-born child. Hope poured into me as everyone coped and groped forward. I was the smile, the tenderness, the reason to get out of bed with each new dawn, the wonder and promise of new life. What a better way to begin again than with dreams for a new child and all that’s to come?
And yet as I grew, my child-mind knew with absolute certainty that I had somehow stolen my very life from a beloved older brother I would never know. A life for a life, as it were, and I was the stranger left standing. Even though I did everything I could to deserve and appreciate the days I had been given, I never believed I was enough to be worthy of love; that because I was unborn it would have been much less tragic had I died instead in the car that horrible day.
But you see, hope and I were one in the same so I loved hard.
I would make everything right with the breadth, depth and width of my love, yes! My best shot came when my idolized older sister was diagnosed with leukemia and my bone marrow was a perfect match for her treatment. When she died the day after my eleventh birthday, despite my absolute certainty that my donation would be enough to save her, my beliefs were reinforced that I was flawed.
My family picked up the pieces, ordered the steps one after another. Started over again: moving forward at all costs. Pausing to feel the pain would mean sinking into the quicksand. I learned to hide myself very well so not even my parents knew how much I was hurting but the hope that I would be whole never died.
In many ways I had quit living before I ever got started.
Along the way, though, I began to believe in myself and my strong character. With much internal examination, both quiet and bold action, and opening to truly receive what has been mine all along, I’m here now. I’ve healed from the traumatic effects on my heart, mind and spirit and I live knowing with absolute certainty that I am enough. I have connected. I love willingly without that familiar belief that it will be taken away. It took me four full decades to fully grasp that my very birthright is life itself.
I’ve successfully and joyfully stepped into myself and claimed my seat of honor at the party of Life.
Now the task is to partake of all the options spread before me. I’ve learned that you’ve got to start somewhere: Create your own new beginning. Wipe your slate clean. Dream with abandon. Build a plan to get there. There’s a lifetime of hope residing in my heart. To live better. To feel more. To be free. What was once such a burden is now such a gift! How wonderful to be so believed in: what an opportunity to change lives. All of this hope wants to spill out and over and into others. It’s begging to be shared and won’t be contained; as much as I tucked away before I now want to release. My mission is to share what I’ve learned and experienced to inspire others to step into their own light and claim their own space. I’d really love to get this party started!
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