We can find ourselves head-to-head with our children. Individuals have differing points of view, ideas, desires, personalities, plans, expectations, goals, abilities, preferences and timelines. With all of that going on we’re going to disagree sometimes. But it doesn’t have to be a screaming match or a power struggle. We can handle situations with a calm demeanor and have peaceful resolution. As a parent, you are in a position to model honorable behavior and problem solving skills. If we want our kids to develop listening skills, negotiation and critical thinking, conflict provides the perfect opportunity to practice. If we shut them down with a punishment or an order to be quiet, we’re robbing everyone of an opportunity for connection and learning, including ourselves.
Giving children room to experiment with their growing minds and bodies is critical.
As they begin to make friendships and find their place in the world, they will meet a variety of options. They will have their own ideas. You will have disagreements. This is a time to work together not against each other.
Honor their individuality by recognizing it and not punishing them for it. Don’t they deserve that much? Commit to taking responsibility for yourself while you guide your child with sensitivity as he or she slowly learns to take his or her own. It’s a process that does not happen overnight. Rushing it will only set you all back.
We can’t force an outcome or control the way people behave but we can decide how we will approach situations. We can decide what kind of mom we want to be; how we want to build our relationship with our kids; and what they will be learning about problem solving, conflict resolution and positive communication. As parents we wield great influence. Let’s make sure that it’s a positive, nourishing one.
It doesn’t mean that you are failing if you are struggling. It just means that every child is different and you have to open yourself a little wider. This isn’t a time to quit or give up or accept a hardship. It certainly isn’t a time to be harder on your child or tighten your control of them. It’s time to admit that you need two things:
1. Time and
2. New approaches.
As hard as it can be, occasionally all you can do is wait. Growth happens. Bodies and brains change, life experiences shape our understanding, maturity moves things along. Nothing you do can make that process faster. Have patience and know that time itself will smooth many bumps. While you are waiting you can build your relationship rather than damage it. And what time can’t help, you can by integrating some new thoughts and actions.
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This is an excerpt from my e-workbook, Keep Your Cool: How to Stop Yelling, Spanking & Punishing. Hot off my heart with special pricing! More details and get it here.
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