For some bizarre reason, our culture likes to scare the parents of toddlers. As a new mother, I loved, loved, loved being with my daughter. Camille was sweet and fun and delightful. She came with me everywhere and our genuine shared happiness was obvious to everyone we met. So much so that others began to take it upon themselves to prepare me for what was to come.
Just wait for the terrible twos.
I heard it again and again and again. I didn’t believe it, though. Everyone had tried to scare me out of natural childbirth, exclusive/extended breastfeeding, not vaccinating and attachment parenting, too. How could our relationship change just because she hit this mystical age? I read about child development and milestones and continued to foster and enjoy our relationship. The people who initiated these conversations, though, were insistent.
When our twos weren’t terrible, I was then told to wait for the threes. Those were even worse!
Now this freaked me out. Maybe I had just gotten lucky and the worst was yet to come. I’m glad that I got pregnant that year to distract me from waiting for the worst.
None of it ever came to pass and you won’t be surprised to know that I have a theory about that:
I expected the best. I took responsibility for my own best behavior. I looked at my daughter as someone who was learning as best she could.
When you expect the worse, you see the worst. When you brace yourself, you cause injury. Not taking enough time to heal or interrupting the healing by removing the cast creates a problem. Rinse and repeat.
Now, this doesn’t mean that challenges don’t arise; of course they do. But how you live inside of them makes all the difference.
If you want help in dealing with the terrible twos, I have exactly one tip:
Stop calling them the terrible twos.
How does that possibly set you up for good times? Re-frame your perception. Don’t look for what you don’t like. Turn that negative quality you see into a positive attribute.
Parents tell me they want their kids to not give up, to keep trying. This is being persistent but when they’re two, it’s called stubborn.
We want them to talk to us about their problems. This is called communicating but when they’re two, it’s called acting out.
We want them to be confident and determined but when they are two, it’s called brattiness.
We want them to reach out to us but when they are two, it’s called just trying to get our attention.
We want to know how to make them successful but when they are two, it’s called manipulation.
We want them to express their feelings but when they are two, it’s called being whiny.
We want to give them every opportunity to learn how to fit into the world but when they are two, it’s called terrible.
Is that really want you want to think of your child? Is that really want you want them to feel from you?
How terrible!
When all you see is terrible, you’re missing the tender and the terrific.
The toddler years are full of energy, experimentation and emotion. It’s a big, necessary whirlwind of activity and change for growing bodies and minds. You can fight it or you can flow with it. Taking a battle stance is going to create a war. Instead, extend a hand and offer to dance.
Expect the best.
Your child already does and is waiting for you to join the party. I hear it’s pretty terrific.
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